Post #….I forgot.
From my official RU Blog:
Howdy, y’all! Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Freshman year has been…time consuming. But, once exams are over, I’ll reward you with a nice fat post.
Anyway, I wrote this for a creative nonfiction assignment, and many of my classmates found it very relatable. And it’s blog appropriate! Enjoy:
As my first-year of higher education is coming to close, I believe it is time to ask myself, “Where do I stand?” Where do I stand in the academic world, in the social sphere, and in my personal life? Am I happy with school, my friends, myself? I don’t think I can completely answer these questions—can anyone? But I hope, that by writing about it, I can figure it all out.
This time last year, I was knee deep in the college decision-making process, and completely consumed with a “my-life-depends-upon-on-this” perspective. Between quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson (“the world is all gates, all opportunities”), spending countless hours on CollegeBoard.com, and frantically appealing to my guidance counselor, I could usually be found face down on my couch in deep thought. Like most of my peers, I envisioned myself attending an illustrious school and somehow evolving from an awkward high-school nerd into a social, well-rounded college student. At the time, I applauded myself for having such a detailed imagination; a typical day would look something like this:
I would awake to the sound of chirping birds, moments before my alarm would usually shock me into consciousness. Well-rested from a full eight hours of glorious slumber, I would prepare myself for breakfast, thank some higher power for not having bed-head, and step outside into a dazzling sunlight. After eating a healthy meal—and actually feeling satisfied and full—I would spend the rest of my morning completing scholarly pursuits: thumbing through Melville’s classic Moby Dick, raising philosophical questions, and putting Pythagoras to shame by laughing in the face of advanced mathematics. I would then meet with my friends to enjoy a game of frisbee (how collegiate), and then, at nightfall, attend a college party—and not be burdened or embarrassed by the stiff, unsightly motions that I call dancing.
Of course, that’s ideal. One cannot imagine a typical college setting without most, if not all, of those elements. And to make matters worse, I have yet to experience such a perfect day. So far, my college experience has been…unsatisfactory. It’s not Rutgers’ fault, though—it’s mine. For some strange reason I always find myself hoping for something better, or more exciting than the norm. Unfortunately, though, I can’t exactly put my finger on whatever that “something” may be.
To clarify, I’ll say that I’m in the midst of an “existential crisis” (both words are used very loosely here). And what I mean by that is: I can’t help but question my life’s value, purpose, or meaning, in respect to the future. I’m not suicidal, though—no, definitely not! Rather, I’m inquisitive and curious about what the Fates holds for me, and I’m constantly wondering what I need to do in the present to achieve a satisfactory future, and hoping—praying—to finally discover my calling. To visualize my state of mind, imagine standing, precariously, on a precipice overlooking a canyon that seems to stretch beyond the horizon. You feel scared and overwhelmed, but are willing to place yourself into that deep expanse for curiosity’s sake.
As I’m writing, though, I’m beginning to believe that my current state of mind is not unique (despite that fact that such a thought pushes me much farther off the path of self-discovery). Perhaps everyone feels just as lost and confused, and blindly reaching for something concrete. That’s college, right? It’s more than an institution of learning; it’s a laboratory, rife with experimentation. It’s a safe environment to fail, set things on fire, and do a little bit of damage. Don’t you agree?
